Expecting Different Results

Disappointments abound. Is my bar set too high or is it just time to move on from what’s disappointing me? I can self-deprecate until I believe I am the root of all that is failing or miserable in my life, or I can let blame fall on the shoulders of those I protect, some of whom I love, some that I don’t. It’s just not in my character to openly call out those that have let me down.

Maybe it’s the depression, but more likely, it’s that I’m seeing things as they are. You can only spend so many years of your life spinning your wheels, getting nowhere, before madness sets in. You know what they say about the definition of insanity. Well, I’ve been doing the same thing for years. Lying down, being the world’s doormat.

I’m probably the one most guilty of wiping my boots on my own back. I stomp myself into the dirt before others can do it and yet it still stings when they tromp over me. I’m the first to take responsibility when something goes wrong or is upsetting and I’ve been told repeatedly that I shouldn’t feel bad in most of these instances. I can’t help it. I feel like my life has been one long apology. Granted, I’m not perfect and I’m sure some of what I’ve apologized for was definitely my fault. But what about when my ex cheated on me and lied to me every day of our relationship and I still somehow found myself blubbering for forgiveness? Or how I do things others want me to do even when it’s not me, when it’s not what I had in mind. Then I feel like a terrible person when frustration and anger sets in. Like it all couldn’t have been avoided if someone had just listened to me.

That seems to be one of my biggest disappointments as of late. It’s always bothered me that I’ve spoken and mostly been unheard, but now, it feels like a slap in my already reddened face. I suppose it’s been coupled with the realization that dreams only come true if you work very hard for them and with virtually no support. Those that I assumed wanted to see me succeed the most were the first bow out. Maybe it’s because no one takes me seriously. I know I didn’t for many years. So why should anyone else? Maybe because I’ve asked them to.

For the first time in my life, I want to leave. I want to go somewhere else. There’s more to be had, more to be said, and those that just might listen.expect